Android announces laser attachment to blind people peeking at your phone

A new android update paired with a screen emitter is taking the tech world by storm today, as the MindYoBiz privacy attachment was rolled out today.  Using the cameras phone it uses facial recognition to determine if you are the phones owner in a fraction of second, and if it determines you are not, it targets your pupils with an anti-personnel blinding laser.

This innovation comes directly from consumers with constant complaints of over the shoulder snooping and people stealing phones to go through them.  It has been an eventful day with over 10 million sales, and almost 5 million eye related treatments in emergency rooms nationwide.  Significant others are dropping like flies in the wake of the new blinding technology.

In response to the outcry MAC cosmetics has released a new line of goods, called impostHIM that will allow women to disguise themselves enough as their boyfriends to fool the facial recognition, but so far their haven't been any reported successes.  The eye tracking system has also proven it can work through mirrors and reflections as well.

One elated customer with a huge smile reviewed the product, telling TheSatira, "I have been watching porn all day, I even had to go church and just didn't stop.  Nothing helps a boring sermon more than double penetration."

Savvy investors have already bought large shares in seeing eye dog companies, and we advise you to pretend like all phone screens are eye lava.  While only 50% of the blinding is permanent, that is per laser, and the phone can deliver up to 40 at a time.

The launch was pushed back to also identify camera lenses and blind them as well after the CEO of the company was caught talking to an ex girlfriend by a particularly savvy wife, they have given assurances that through rigorous girlfriend testing they have found almost everything your snooping romantic partner could think to try, and blind them for your efforts.

Development of this hardware was funded by the "Be My Eyes" app who repeatedly insists it isn't trying to blind people to grow its own user count.


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