Non premium Tinder members will randomly be assigned a third wheel

Tinder struggling with revenue and having no problem making loneliness a commodity has once again rolled out a new innovation to prey on people via the notorious dating app.  It seems that a new twist was rolled out early this morning that matches a third person into every match unless you are a premium member of Tinder.  The third wheel program was met with resigned shrugs, with rampant fraud and being milked out of money to be defrauded already being accepted as the way tinder is.

A spokesperson told The Satira, "We are really excited about the third wheel feature, we had a problem with lonely undesirable people bumming out our premium members, so now the algorithm will take anyone who hasn't had a match for three months and designate them as a third wheel, and include them in non premium members matches, after building up their angst for months and badgering them to spend money or die alone, they are a perfect incentive for people who aren't soul crushed yet to pay money to get away from them.  The third wheels don't quit either, they think they may have a chance with the girl so they stay around and cause havoc.  It is a perfect business model."

When asked about the gendered response it was revealed that like most dating platforms, women were given preferential treatment and only men would be designated as third wheels.  It seems that the bottom has officially dropped on how horrible online dating can be as an experience, with 4chan members intentionally signing up for Tinder and waiting to get flagged by the algorithm to begin trolling horny people, a poetic fit for the third wheel of the internet.

Sales of premium memberships have literally doubled over night as well as suicide rates of people being designated hopeless from the increased sense of isolation, despite the mass emotional damages and deaths investors seem to be pouring in around the companies ruthless pattern of innovations.  A mass deletion was threatened but ultimately thwarted as members snuck back out of desperation for human contact.


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