Private Prison Companies Cutting Execution Costs By Pretending Inmates Are Snitches

Internal Memos found from both CoreCivic and the Geo Group and Management & Training Corporation, owners and operators of prisons, jails and other detention facilities, were recovered today and sent to The Satira by a whistle blowing employee concerned with the legalization of murder. 

The documents detailed and initiative to cut back on power and chemical costs in the case of executions and instead instructed wardens of the prisons to have the prison guards leave commissary food in the inmates cell and quote "Act extra friendly while winking and nodding blatantly to the prisoner." 

Minor extra privileges would be given to the targeted inmate as well as smiling at the inmate whenever a guard busted another prisoner for an infraction.  A bonus would be given to any guard that could believably work in a finger gun to the prisoner during the bust.  The plan was to leave them in general population and conveniently forget rounds from time to time around the cell of the inmate.

When contacted for statement, The CEO's of CoreCivic claimed that the memo's were just a joke, but also complained about how much electricity is used by an electric chair, and what a genius move it would be to instead pay 5 dollars for flaming hot Cheetos to get the same result.  The CEO of Geo was too busy replacing heart pills with aspirin, and trading prison library books for restraining chairs to comment at the time.

Reports of prisoner stabbings have quadrupled in the last quarter among death row inmates with causes stated as such things as, "Prisoner was stabbed to death for cutting in line to get to the electric chair."  While reports of shiv recovery appear to have hit an all time low, a fact explained by one guard as prisoners suddenly being very very sneaky at hiding things.

Investors in both publicly traded companies have seen a profit from the sudden lowering of running costs and appear to be happy with the stock performance, when asked about the morality of profiting off death at the investors meeting, they pointed out they had already been profiting off mass incarceration and inhumane treatment so this was actually ethically more sound.  They intended to spend the extra revenue to lobby for harsher sentencing on minor offenses, including jail time for jay walking and double parking.


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