Uber Adds Rapey Vibe Rating After Reporting 11,500 Sexual Assaults And Gropes

Ride sharing company Uber released its crime statistics for the last two years, including 3045 sexual assaults, 9 murders, and 58 car crash deaths last year, with 2,936 in 2017 as well, with 264 cases of rape between both years, and 5500 other incidents involving groping or sexual touching that was unwanted.  As Uber Stock value fell 1.4 billion in the wake of the news, and finally actually checking criminal history of drivers didn't seem to help much, Uber added a feature to its ride hailing app to include rapey vibes on drivers and passengers which could be ranked from 1 to 5 cans of mace.

In a press release Uber wanted to make it very clear that they appeared to care, and were dedicated to appearing to care until at least the next news cycle.  Still forgoing drug testing, finger printing, and being lax on background check updates, they hope that the see something, say something method of using Uber will give customers enough of a false sense of security to keep using the app instead of an actual taxi company.

Meth dealers have reached out to The Satira as well, expressing concerns and a very related loss of revenue, as a portion of Uber drivers are a staple customer base for the sale of crystal meth. This has disrupted many territory disputes with the smaller market and is causing wide spread violence among drug dealers, but no one cares.

When asked about potential liability for encouraging millions of people to literally get into cars with strangers and then having those strangers rape, sexually assault, kill, or manslaughter those people, Uber shrugged and declined to comment entirely, for liability purposes.  One marketing campaign was found and pieced back together that was an ad for people that enjoyed less than consensual sex, but was marked for later when the mainstream finally abandoned the illusion that they weren't recklessly endangering themselves.


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