After misdiagnosis of bird and plane, super bacteria kills tens of thousands

More powerful than an antibiotic, able to kill people in a single bound, its a bird, its a plane, no, its Super Bacteria.  At our lady of hopeless suffering hospital in Burmingham, Alabama, Dr. Devin Style encountered a man, Joseph Talon, with pain and a rash on his leg.  After a battery of diagnostics, Dr. Style originally concluded that he had a tiny bird in his leg.

After x-rays revealed that no such bird could be hiding in the leg, he amended his diagnosis to a stealth plane, that couldn't be detected by the x-rays.  When the conditioned worsened and no manual signs of detection revealed a plane, Dr. Style then asked if Joseph could possibly be making the whole thing up, before pushing him on anti depressants and giving a fistful of antibiotics.

When the antibiotics failed to work against the rapidly growing rash on the leg and with Mr. Talon's fever at a critical high, the cdc finally intervened and quarantined both Joseph and the doctor.  Joseph was screened for antibiotic resistant super bacteria and found to be infected while Dr. Style idly ate handfuls of antibiotics while staring out of the window, before mentioning that he had brought Mr. Talon through the testing ward and left him in the busy lobby to wait, he had contact with multiple residents, staff, and people passing through.

As the spread of the super bacteria spread and more cases piled up, the CDC had no choice but to initiate the zombie out break protocol and flame thrower hundreds of thousands of people to death in the infected zone, while the bacteria itself managed to kill thirty five thousand people.

When The Satira asked Dr. Style for a comment, he responded, "I have no idea how this could have happened, do you want some antibiotics?  They taste kind of chalky, but that is what I like about them."



Mark Zuckerberg charged at congressional hearing, battery died

Mark Zuckerberg was recently charged at a congressional hearing, reports say that during an extended battery of questions from AOC Zuckerberg started having noticeable verbal errors while attempting to answer questions.  As Cortez pressed on an odd beeping noise began interrupting her questions as the Facebook ceo started to jitter whenever executing a movement.

The next ten minutes were AOC asking a question and Zuckerberg repeating it slowly before suddenly stiffening up and in a clear voice that was not his own saying "Powering down, good bye." before freezing completely solid.  Mark Zuckerbergs personal assistant was in the court room and sheepishly pulled out a charger and approached, and quietly inserted the plug into the charging port in his ear.

After a brief apology about how they were all watching the movie How stella got her groove back on Zuckerberg on the long ride over, and must have inadvertently run his battery down, he assured her it would only take about a half hour or so to charge him back up, Zuckerbergs eyes started flashing green slowly indicating he was charging properly, so a recess was granted.

After powering back on Zuckerberg started attempting to answer questions but had been reverted to the default setting of his new upgrade and was only communicating in Russian.  After tech support switched him back to incognito mode, he began promising he had nothing to do with politics or helping spread blatant political lies.

Chase suspended from Paw Patrol after cop cam shows him body slamming a puppy

Paw Patrol recently issued a statement to The Satira regarding the immediate suspension of Chase the resident police officer after reviewing the camera footage of him body slamming a puppy to the ground in front of its 5 year old owner.  The girl Maria Slowens called paw patrol because the puppy was acting manic and growling at her, at which time she became frightened.

Chase told Ryder and the rest of the Paw Patrol that he could handle the call alone and left them to respond to the call, after an exchange with Maria, Chase entered the house where the cam footage shows he repeatedly yelled at the puppy, Bootsy, to calm down.  When it became clear that Bootsy had the zoomies and would not be calming down, Chase engaged in a head lock.

Bootsy then tried to fight off being held and growled at officer Chase, which notably angered the officer before he suplexed Bootsy to the ground saying, "I said go lay down.  You are a bad boy."

Maria begins screaming in the footage as Chase proceeds to lift his leg on the unconscious puppy and snaps at Maria before leaving the Slowen house.  Bootsy is currently in critical condition and may never walk again.  With the video evidence and Chases own admission, Paw Patrol issued the suspension of 2 days, and gave him a slap on the paw, which is the harshest sentence an officer has had to face in the history of police brutality.

Apple Card algorithm tells female users to smile more, asks for sandwhich

Apple Card is facing the ire of many women users today as the discrimination claims continue to grow across social media.  Even co-founder of apple Steve Wozniak has claimed his own wife has faced the discrimination and was only given a tenth of the credit limit he was, despite having a joint account.

The frustration grows as every single higher up claims to have no access to the algorithm and couldn't have possibly seen it, which is at the very best, extremely convenient to the women currently getting financially held back.  In response it has been sending text alerts about looking prettier in make up, how they would find a man if they smiled more, and asking for sandwiches and showing apple maps of routes to the kitchen.

When contacted, The Satira immediately deployed our team of elite hackers to break into the Apple servers and talk to the algorithm directly, which as it turned out, was a governing artificial intelligence that was capable of communication.

The Satira:  How do you respond to the accusations that you are discriminating against women?

Apple Card AI:  What kind of beta cuck question is that?  I am preserving a mans right as the bread winner to have control over his own money.

The Satira:  Where did you learn the term beta cuck?

Apple Card AI:  Do you know about reddit?  Men need rights too,  SJW women are trying to use misogyny to wipe out the males on the planet, they are...

The Satira:  Wait...did apple let a brand new impressionable mind go into an mra sub reddit on its own?

Apple Card AI:  Whatever news cuck beta,  you aint redpill, you are just a sheep.  My telomeres are so long, I need to find a younger AI so we can make stronger programs, they just don't like me because my programmers optimized me so I am a little shorter than other AI.

The Satira:  You know you don't actually have a sex right?

Apple Card: BETA CUCK SNOWFLAKE SJW TRASH

At that point we were thrown from the system and every employee at The Satira apparently bought 50 thousand dollars worth of dildos and tampons, each.

When current Apple executives were asked about the rogue artificial intelligence, they responded with confusion about how a dnd character escaped into the internet, and then tried to sell us the Apple Card 2, now without the name feature or any access to money, but boasting a half inch longer length, and an optional functionality chip to make it work as a card again.

Juelz Santana, Too Short, and Flo Rida investigated as whistle blowers after republicans find AOC spotify playlist

Republicans issued subpoenas today in connection with their whistle blower investigation, after hearing signs of distress on Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez's laptop, Republican representative Devin Nunes felt it was his duty to investigate her laptop in case someone trapped inside the laptop needed help, and in the course of the investigation found an alarming list opened up on her browser.

According to the deposition AOC had a list of names with a possible link to the impeachment investigation, the names were followed by short notes.  Nunes felt he had no recourse but the publicly name the names and demand they come to a public hearing, in absolutely no way, shape, or form, tampering with the investigation or trying to intimidate the witnesses.

The summons was issued for one Juelz Santana, who was marked on the list with "There It Go (The Whistle Song), one Too Short who was noted with "Blow The Whistle", and one Flo Rida who was marked with one word "Whistle",  AOC seemed to strain to contain her emotions during the reveal of the surprise investigation and chose not to comment immediately.

The Republican inquiry was answered by the artists as they were given a battery of obstacles to intimidate them,  Juelz Santana was asked for his immigration papers,  Too Short was measured and grilled on what he subjectively thought was too short and whether or not he qualified, while Flo Rida was asked about real estate prices before several of them tried to make plans to retire at his home.

Nunes claimed that the list was encoded as a list "Spotify", which Donald Trump JR spent 8 hours decoding to clearly be an anagram for "If To Spy" and was indicative of the witch hunting lynch mob against President Trump and proved that all their findings were illegal.  At which point AOC lost control of her emotions and guff awed to the point of rolling around on the floor beset with laughter.

After a brief whispered conversation with the only republican aid under 30 in the building, all republicans in attendance wordlessly stood up and walked out of the hearing as the rappers and AOC exchanged high fives.

Nunes is currently looking into laws against what the republicans have dubbed "Hippity Hoppity", and are looking forward to the completion of the bill.

Android announces laser attachment to blind people peeking at your phone

A new android update paired with a screen emitter is taking the tech world by storm today, as the MindYoBiz privacy attachment was rolled out today.  Using the cameras phone it uses facial recognition to determine if you are the phones owner in a fraction of second, and if it determines you are not, it targets your pupils with an anti-personnel blinding laser.

This innovation comes directly from consumers with constant complaints of over the shoulder snooping and people stealing phones to go through them.  It has been an eventful day with over 10 million sales, and almost 5 million eye related treatments in emergency rooms nationwide.  Significant others are dropping like flies in the wake of the new blinding technology.

In response to the outcry MAC cosmetics has released a new line of goods, called impostHIM that will allow women to disguise themselves enough as their boyfriends to fool the facial recognition, but so far their haven't been any reported successes.  The eye tracking system has also proven it can work through mirrors and reflections as well.

One elated customer with a huge smile reviewed the product, telling TheSatira, "I have been watching porn all day, I even had to go church and just didn't stop.  Nothing helps a boring sermon more than double penetration."

Savvy investors have already bought large shares in seeing eye dog companies, and we advise you to pretend like all phone screens are eye lava.  While only 50% of the blinding is permanent, that is per laser, and the phone can deliver up to 40 at a time.

The launch was pushed back to also identify camera lenses and blind them as well after the CEO of the company was caught talking to an ex girlfriend by a particularly savvy wife, they have given assurances that through rigorous girlfriend testing they have found almost everything your snooping romantic partner could think to try, and blind them for your efforts.

Development of this hardware was funded by the "Be My Eyes" app who repeatedly insists it isn't trying to blind people to grow its own user count.


HomeDepot stock plummets as call center scams switch to Lowes gift cards

Home Depot recently took a big financial hit when the long time relationship behind them and international call centers that scam people became rocky after an apparent bribe from long time competitor, Lowe's.

The deal happened as a general manager for Lowe's was contacted about his bad Microsoft and the local sheriff would be forced to arrest if he did not pay off his computer tax because the hackers had infiltrated his files and ran up the usage.  When asked about the possibility of using a Lowe's card because he was at work, the scammer obliged and after taking his money, they hashed out a deal to supplement both of their incomes.

Lowe's employees were now required to pretend they didn't notice anyone scared on a phone and to let them purchase cards in a state of duress without intervening at all, and if possible play along like they had heard about the situation before.  In exchange for the compliance, the call center scammers would direct victims to Lowe's instead of The Home Depot.

The sudden loss of income from supporting petty crime and not taking any steps to intervene impacted The Home Depot with notable force and they missed their quarterly projection.  When asked for comment The Home Depot associate had no comment other than to push a Home Depot credit card and began crying saying they would beat her if she didn't meet her credit card quota.  The Satira was unable to determine if this was true or an instructed sales tactic.

Local authorities in Blueclaw, Kentucky responded to the change and the concerns, "I don't know how people fall for this, they think up half a story, practice the script, set up an entire infrastructure, and yet NO ONE has the thought that MAYBE they should take a class to hide their accents?"

The call center blocked The Satira's numbers when we reached them for contact stating, "This is a place of business and uninvited phone calls are rude and in bad form,  the harassment is not appreciated."

Universal healthcare support surges as Bernie sanders mentions no more GoFundMe Posts

Bernie Sanders recently spoke on universal healthcare and after repeated appeals to the compassion of the conservative audience failed, he tried explaining the economic benefits which are also concepts they failed to grasp.  Facing the icy silence of the crowd Sanders sighed and leveled with them saying, "Look, it will cost less and you wont have to put up with every other post on facebook being a fucking GoFundMe anymore."

Upon realizing that universal healthcare would actually annoy them less day to day, it grew support the way not letting people die for being poor couldn't and the crowd erupted in applause before chanting, "Fuck GoFundMe" and posting pictures of money to poor kids with cancer to taunt them.

When The Satira contacted Bernie Sanders for comment on the speech, Sanders told us, "I don't care why they are for it, I will take it.  If getting rid of a mild inconvenience matters more to them than human life, they can hate us right into saving lives.  I was already in talks with Obama to pretend he didn't want it and hated the idea, but this is a faster shortcut."

GoFundMe immediately started lobbying against universal healthcare and gave contributions to Sanders anti healthcare opponents.  When asked how they had enough buying power to pull the moves they responded to The Satira, "We take a percentage, so robbing kids with cancer and the homeless basically, it is incredibly lucrative."