AOC challenges Pelosi to rap battle for speaker role over trump

Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez reached out to The Satira, to officially challenge Nancy Pelosi to a rap battle today.  The stakes of the rap battle are said to be a retirement match.  According to the notorious AOC or maybe more aptly AOC-ONE, shes frustrated at the complete lack of action about Trumps impeachment, and I quote, "Been actin like a mark ass old bitty swingin off trumps nuts."
When asked why a rap battle, she gave a two word response, "Bronx Bitch", when asked why she thought she would win a rap battle, she gave the same two word response, "Bronx Bitch"
When contacted for comment, Nancy Pelosi had a very different take on the rap battle, "This lil jit thinks she can take ME, she thinks im shook? I got two words back, Bodymore, Murderland.  ya heard of it?  This bitch must have never seen the wire."
Republicans saw the opportunity to deflect their own inaction AND fuel a distraction to Trumps latest impeachable actions, so they immediately started a betting pool and started booking a DJ.  NPR and BBC have signed on as well as The Satira hip hop correspondent, Honky Kong, in order to have an impartial panel of judges.  The battle commences this thursday with the proceeds being donated to what one eager republican yelled as "Deez Nuts."

White supremacy considered terrorism again, water is wet

In a move that shocked no one, white supremacists have been upgraded back to terrorists today.  No explanation was given as to why they were down graded in the first place.  So BREAKING NEWS white supremacists are terrorists, other equally shocking news to follow.  Water is also wet.  Gravity makes things fall.  Birds fly sometimes.  One is the loneliest number.  D minor is the saddest key.  Peppers are hot.  Dirt is dirty.  News is new.  Fire is hot.  The sky is blue.  Grass is green.  Student loans are indentured servitude.  Bees like flowers.  Oceans have fish.  Sugar is sweet.  Lemons are sour.  Weights are heavy.
The Satira would like to apologize if this article was too shocking for anyone.

Pharma to Fda: Death lowers blood pressure, recall unwarranted

The Satira investigation network has uncovered some private messages between pharmaceutical manufacturers and the FDA that contain counter claims against the recall of multiple high blood pressure pills. Excerpts from the emails claim that although killing and giving people cancer, death lowers blood pressure, so it works as advertised, they also were willing to put possible cancer as one of the side effects of the medication, stating no one even takes side effects seriously.
As the FDA continued to hold their ground, bribery was attempted as well as black mail.
"Why can't you just be as cool about this pill as you were about all the opiods, I mean you let us throw oxy at babies pretty much and you are gonna jam us up over this crap?  You even ok'd us to get the fines back with naloxone"
The FDA declined to comment on the entire exchange but did offer one sentence, "Snitches get stitches."

Good guy walmart replaces vape displays with cigarettes and guns

Walmart publicly announced it would stop selling vapes today due to health concerns for everyone.  The Satira went on site to watch the store, and was pleased to see that the vile e-cigarettes were actively being taken down, and good old fashion normal cigarettes were being put in their place.  The module display cases were being empty, and the super dangerous product was instead being replaced by good old fashioned, perfectly safe, hunting rifles.
We can only hope that this trend continues to grow, when asked for comment, the manager Jerry had this say, "I never liked those things, seeing all these people sucking Darth Vaders penis taking selfies, of course god struck them down, I just hope the lawsuit in texas goes through so we can have some good all american safe booze in here too."

DoED Tries to hire Keanu Reeves to teach kids bullet dodging

Facing massive public outcry and backlash of the lack of action to prevent school shootings, the Department of education has reached out to the fictional character of Neo from the hit movie The Matrix.  Refusing to take no for an answer or accept that Neo didn't exist, Keanu Reeves begrudgingly agreed to meet with them to discuss a job opportunity.
In a surprise move, Keanu Reeves took the job after negotiating for a kingly sum of 50 million dollars.
When The Satira contacted Keanu to explain why the change of heart, he had this to say, "The obviously can't tell reality from fiction anymore, and they don't want to do anything helpful, I am going to try to show the kids how to stay safe and hide, and I am using the money to buy bullet proof backpacks for as many kids as I can.  They kept asking me to teach them kung fu and give them pills though, luckily I know kung fu and I had a bag of skittles of with me, they are all laying on the floor waiting for extraction now."
This initiative comes on the heels of common sense gun laws and bans being overturned for the 150th time this year by the NRA who is trying out the new slogan, "You can make more children, guns are forever."

Trumps new witnesses on biden/ukraine collusion: Tekashi69 and Russia

Following repeated failures to get the Ukraine to investigate Biden for his interactions with them during his time as the vice president, and with the Ukraine whistle blowing all the strong arming to get this to happen and refusing, claiming its a political maneuver to weaken Biden for Trump in the public eye, Trump swiftly changed tactics.  In a closed hearing Trump introduced two star witnesses to prompt the investigation, he brought in Rapper Tekashi69 and also a diplomat from Russia, both claiming to be eye witnesses to collusion.
The Russian witness went on record with The Satira to say, "Trump no collude russia, Biden collude Ukraine, I seen this, interview over."
Tekashi69 also gave us a statement, "Yeah, they was like, colludin an stuff, I seen them up in the hotel through the window all colludy, and then I heard them colluding in the lobby too."
When asked to define what collusion was, Tekashi69 ran into the court room behind the guards, and offered to testify against The Satira for collusion as well.
Biden was contacted for comment and issued a statement, "Really? Y'all got me fucked up, Obama, Hold my shoes, They funna learn today."
At which point the former president had to calm him down with ice cream.

Ben Carson extorted by big hairy men, forced to buy cookies

The Satira has been following up reports made by Ben Carson about an extortion racket run by big hairy men.  Apparently as Carson was leaving the super market a gang of these big hairy men had made eye contact and blocked the route between him and his car.  When he went to go past them, they suggested that he should buy cookies in a tone he referred to as threatening.  After shelling out some of his money, he was given a small box of his cookies and dismissed without incident, as he ran to his car with his groceries, and sped off to safety, where he informed authorities of the gang of big hairy men extorting money from customers.
Police arrived on the scene minutes later, to find a girl scouts of America troop sitting at a table, the police bought a box of thin mints and laughed their way back to the precinct.  A friend of Ben Carson spoke to The Satira for some clarity on the matter, "Ben is prideful you know, and he gets confused sometimes between women and big hairy men, it started when he was little and girls beat him up at school, hed always lie and say it was big hairy men, over the years it grew and now he is actually scared of mythical big hairy men that show up all sorts of places trying to beat people up.  Like, little girls kicked your ass man, let it go."
We sent our most timid, smallest female intern from The Satira to interview Carson, and the only response we got was, "I KNEW THEY'D SEND MORE, oh god....i pooped my pants..."
Security then rushed her and escorted her out of the building apologetically, saying it happens a few times a week.