Uber Adds Rapey Vibe Rating After Reporting 11,500 Sexual Assaults And Gropes

Ride sharing company Uber released its crime statistics for the last two years, including 3045 sexual assaults, 9 murders, and 58 car crash deaths last year, with 2,936 in 2017 as well, with 264 cases of rape between both years, and 5500 other incidents involving groping or sexual touching that was unwanted.  As Uber Stock value fell 1.4 billion in the wake of the news, and finally actually checking criminal history of drivers didn't seem to help much, Uber added a feature to its ride hailing app to include rapey vibes on drivers and passengers which could be ranked from 1 to 5 cans of mace.

In a press release Uber wanted to make it very clear that they appeared to care, and were dedicated to appearing to care until at least the next news cycle.  Still forgoing drug testing, finger printing, and being lax on background check updates, they hope that the see something, say something method of using Uber will give customers enough of a false sense of security to keep using the app instead of an actual taxi company.

Meth dealers have reached out to The Satira as well, expressing concerns and a very related loss of revenue, as a portion of Uber drivers are a staple customer base for the sale of crystal meth. This has disrupted many territory disputes with the smaller market and is causing wide spread violence among drug dealers, but no one cares.

When asked about potential liability for encouraging millions of people to literally get into cars with strangers and then having those strangers rape, sexually assault, kill, or manslaughter those people, Uber shrugged and declined to comment entirely, for liability purposes.  One marketing campaign was found and pieced back together that was an ad for people that enjoyed less than consensual sex, but was marked for later when the mainstream finally abandoned the illusion that they weren't recklessly endangering themselves.

Climate Change Deniers Supporting Kim Jong-Un's Nuclear Threats To Save Face

Kim Jung-Un recently referencing a "Christmas Gift" for Trump if a better deal isn't offered for North Korea has been met with a surprising amount of support from the climate change denying crowd.  Although widely believed to accept and want the apocalypse, it seems that the opportunity to have it come via nuclear warfare instead of the front runner climate change is growing favor rapidly.

Opposition to climate change deniers, 98% of everyone, clearly see it as a tactic to not have to admit they are wrong, because if nuclear bombs destroy the world, technically, they would be right about climate change not being the cause of the end of the world.  A phone campaign of randomly calling North Korean numbers and yelling both insults and threats has already begun.  Taunting signs have begun to show up at climate change denial rallies as well.

While the overwhelmingly conservative group did praise that it was not a "Happy Holidays Gift" and a good christian "Christmas Gift" they have dedicated themselves to attacking and provoking Kim Jung-Un at every opportunity, including women claiming he is bad in bed with a small penis, men saying he can't hunt OR chew tobacco, and non binary people being uninvolved with the entire conservative anti science climate change denial due to mutual distrust on both sides.

Sources inside the camp admit that it seems like the leaders of the movement backed themselves into a corner in the face of the massive climate change evidence and see Kim Jung-Un as the only man crazy enough to end the world over things this trivial, and true to their policy of ignorance and disregard for life as we know it, they fully intend on ending the world instead of admitting they were wrong.

Ghosts Avoiding Mediums Claiming All They Do Is Prey On Their Grief And Lie

The United Ghost Alliance has contacted The Satira's occult division psychics to inform us and the rest of the world that they are officially not responding to any working mediums or paranormal investigators from this point on.  The Ghosts feel that the relationship has always been strained and parasitic, and with the advent of reality shows it has grown into an actively abusive relationship that empowers the other side to take advantage in their name.

One ghost named Alex White appeared in our office and after blowing things around and wailing he settled down for an interview about Paranormal investigators, "Have you seen how they try to talk to ghosts?  Would you respond to people telling you to touch a light if you were a rapist?  Clumsy ass tech falls down the stairs cause hes walking around cables in the DARK and suddenly I am the asshole?  Then some faking ass crunchy lily white chick identifying as a gypsy says you want to hurt people because she hasn't had the groups focus for 45 seconds and fakes like she has the vapors like shes a dame from the 1930s.  One of them asked me if I was attracted to children, a floor beam cracked and they said I was pedophile on national TV."

After word we were hearing ghost grievances,  The Satira headquarters was over run with more ghosts than all the wombs in a sorority house with more grievances than an all female staff working a trump reality show.  The grievances included exorcism from homes they never left to anyone, so essentially having their homes stolen twice, the growing hate group of ghost busters, items they are anchored to being sold to weirdos that cut themselves and only listened to horrible industrial music, and rampant claims about women claiming they were having sex with them when they didn't even like them as a friend.

The Supernatual strike is slated to continue by the incorporeal union until, Elvis Presley, the leader of the UGA said, "These mother fuckers learn to talk to people and stop claiming we are around when we aren't, famous ghosts have it the worst, poor 2 Pac just stays in the sewers anymore because rappers keep claiming he inspired their wack ass songs."

NSA Bummed As Half Of America Wiretaps Itself With Discount Smart TV Sales

The NSA recently reported a steep drop in morale following the massive number of discount smart TV purchases this past Black Friday and Cyber Monday.  The devices are described as "Basically wiretaps and that is why they were made to be so cheap.", by NSA Director Mike Spyman.  With giant vertically integrated companies stealing all users data and recording customers for a profit, the National Security Agency as a whole just feels out done.

A representative from Amazon contacted The Satira out of nowhere the second we started typing this article to say, "We definitely aren't spying on anyone and neither is any other company massively discounting this technology for no reason, you guys want some free echos?  Alexa is your friend, tell Alexa everything you want, tell Alexa how to make you do things.", before hanging up while cackling in what is best described as an ill natured manner.

Reports across the country have people baffled by the accuracy of the ads they are seeing, as well as being contacted by telemarketers about things they had just mentioned, and also with things they said they might need suddenly going on sale at the local stores around them, but most chalk it up to coincidence and go back to stealing cable on their roku boxes.

A joint warning from the NSA and the FBI has been issued to burn the TV's and like technology unless people want private corporations to have all their information, but the general populace seem to trust the government agencies less then the tech companies and seem complacent watching golden girls on a new 4k 60 inch wire tap.

Team building exercises, therapy, and a pizza party have been scheduled at the NSA in hopes of raising morale.  One despondent Agent contacted us at the end of writing this article, a full 20 minutes after amazon, saying, "We just cant compete with compliant idiocy,  spying used to be sexy skilled work that was hard to do, now people will trade all their secrets to see baby yoda a little bigger and a little clearer.  We have lost our identity completely, I am so depressed I haven't watched anyone use the toilet via satellite in a week."

Fat Tittied Slut Machine Ignores Perfectly Good Construction Worker Compliments

A joint effort to fix a bridge in Newark, New Jersey was halted for an hour after construction workers had to regroup from a sever indignity.  A woman, Jesse Haley was walking by the construction site when the workers engaged in light hearted and uplifting cat calling.  After showering her with yells about their favorite parts of her anatomy, what they would like to do to her, and asking for her phone number, to their shock and amazement, she walked past without so much as a look.

One of the workers, Chuck Drivers, contacted The Satira with the full account of the incident.

The Satira:  Thank you for your courage Chuck, can you tell us what happened?

Chuck Drivers:  See basically, she was coming by, so we stopped you know.  Larry said she had some fat titties, Paul said he'd like to tune the motor on such a fine slut machine, I yelled that if she was a sperm bank I'd die of dehydration.  You know, paying her compliments, building her up, being nice.

The Satira:  Ok sure, and you said that is when the problem started?

Chuck Drivers:  This broad bro, she musta been raggin or something, we get nothing, no wave, no smile, not even a look, she just keeps walkin like her coffee is more important than us.

The Satira:  And how did Mrs. Haley make you feel when she did that.

Chuck Drivers:  Me and the boys frankly felt marginalized, she treated us like a prop, sub human even.  Just no sense of human decency at all.  Out of desperation I yelled I'd still take her number even though she was a bitch.  Nothing bro, no number, no look, she just walked away.  We were heart broken.

The Satira:  That must be hard, being objectified as scenery and completely debased.

Chuck Drivers:  You are telling me, we had to take an hour off and cry and hug it out.  How could she be so rude?  I still think about it sometimes, I am not sure I will ever be the same.

The Satira:  Well we hope that it works out for you guys, we have set up a charity in your honor, there will be other randomly passing by women in your future.

Chuck Drivers:  A big fat assed pound me doll?

The Satira:  We sure hope so.

Chuck Drivers: I do too.

Reports indicate they had a female coworker with another cat calling incident 2 months prior to this tragedy, but reportedly the woman just got 500 phone numbers and settled down with a guy who was willing to do anything, even completely support her, for any sort of attention from a woman.

The Newark bridge three are currently in therapy, and while progress is slow, healing is happening.

Private Prison Companies Cutting Execution Costs By Pretending Inmates Are Snitches

Internal Memos found from both CoreCivic and the Geo Group and Management & Training Corporation, owners and operators of prisons, jails and other detention facilities, were recovered today and sent to The Satira by a whistle blowing employee concerned with the legalization of murder. 

The documents detailed and initiative to cut back on power and chemical costs in the case of executions and instead instructed wardens of the prisons to have the prison guards leave commissary food in the inmates cell and quote "Act extra friendly while winking and nodding blatantly to the prisoner." 

Minor extra privileges would be given to the targeted inmate as well as smiling at the inmate whenever a guard busted another prisoner for an infraction.  A bonus would be given to any guard that could believably work in a finger gun to the prisoner during the bust.  The plan was to leave them in general population and conveniently forget rounds from time to time around the cell of the inmate.

When contacted for statement, The CEO's of CoreCivic claimed that the memo's were just a joke, but also complained about how much electricity is used by an electric chair, and what a genius move it would be to instead pay 5 dollars for flaming hot Cheetos to get the same result.  The CEO of Geo was too busy replacing heart pills with aspirin, and trading prison library books for restraining chairs to comment at the time.

Reports of prisoner stabbings have quadrupled in the last quarter among death row inmates with causes stated as such things as, "Prisoner was stabbed to death for cutting in line to get to the electric chair."  While reports of shiv recovery appear to have hit an all time low, a fact explained by one guard as prisoners suddenly being very very sneaky at hiding things.

Investors in both publicly traded companies have seen a profit from the sudden lowering of running costs and appear to be happy with the stock performance, when asked about the morality of profiting off death at the investors meeting, they pointed out they had already been profiting off mass incarceration and inhumane treatment so this was actually ethically more sound.  They intended to spend the extra revenue to lobby for harsher sentencing on minor offenses, including jail time for jay walking and double parking.

Trump Links Jefferey Epstein As Assassinated General In War On Thanksgiving

After President Trump disclosed the secret war on Thanksgiving, much to the chagrin of secret liberal operatives everywhere, he continued to reveal that Jeffery Epstein was a general in command of the war FOR thanksgiving.  The allegations against him were falsified by the liberal media in conjunction with hyper intelligent blue state turkey agents.

The Turkey army apparently needed charges that would isolate and pin down the general in order to stage a suicide and master minded the paying of women to testify against General Epstein as well as naming as many pro thanksgiving, all American, freedom loving and completely innocent republicans as well.  The suicide cover up was also clear;y the radical anti Thanksgiving commie liberals in tandem with the mutant socialist freedom crushing turkey army.

President Trump then re-iterated, that the failed suicide cover up was in no way any powerful elite rich people and was mutant turkey operatives, the killing of Epstein was definitely radical liberal terrorists hell bent on destroying America through discrediting Thanksgiving.  Which in itself was part of a larger plot to fabricate impeachment evidence, all of which is false too.

The POTUS went on to pledge that despite being the most persecuted man in the history of America, with all the negative things about him being total lies, and him being gods chosen stable genius, he would swiftly eradicate the entire mutant turkey army and destroy any evidence of them ever existing, a feat that President Obama could never do, which was clearly talked about and proven in Hillary Clinton's emails.

Fox News Straining For Content After Ignoring Constant Bad Trump Press

Fox News writers and anchors are threatening to go on strike after repeatedly having to wing stories during this prolonged impeachment inquiry.  The channel has a long standing history of just not commenting when blatant lies will not help cover up for conservatives, and in extremely damning circumstances they normal brazenly do a fluff piece instead of any actual news.

The problem is with this extended and constant reveal of President Trump wrong doings, they are running out of secondary ideas to intentionally not cover the foibles of The Donald.  Writers are resorting to stealing old plots to Arthur the Anteater and more obscure X-Files episodes for ideas, while news anchors have made and eaten so many pancakes that four of them have developed diabetes.

The staff was holding out for hope when executives made an attempt to hire out to Disney imagineers to provide more content and inject some variety into the diversionary tactics, but with Disney + destroying all competition and Disney in general stealing and monetizing peoples childhoods they were far too busy to bother with actual politics.

The current plan during the strike is to employ an old Teddy Ruxpin with a cassette tape that just blatantly lies about everything, because as a toy, he is immune to slander charges, and because Fox is only opinions dressed up as the news, his opinion can be whatever he wants.  Talks to purchase the likeness rights are underway and cassette tapes are currently being recording in between insulin shots.